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 Pages: 2 3 .. 5  First joke page   Previous joke page   Next joke page   Last joke page

A Scotsman, Englishman and Nigerian are all in the Maternity ward.

The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of baby sons. However he says, there has been a problem.

"We were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your three sons mixed up "

In order to sort the situation out the Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice. The result is that the Scotsman gets first choice.

The Doctor takes the Scotsman through to the 3 babies:

"I'll take that one", he says pointing to the little black child.

"Hold on", says the Doctor, "that's obviously not your son, he's as black as the ace of spades and both you and your wife are white."

"I know", replies the Scotsman, "but one of the other 2 is English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."


**Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

And your point is...

**Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

**Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

**You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

** I'm multitalented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

***All stressed out and no one to choke.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over as whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your lickle hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet".

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first". So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?".

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy bitch".

European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American Men
By Alyssa Lerner
Junior, Boston University


I just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, and let me tell you, it truly was the most magical, amazing experience of my entire life. The French countryside was like something out of a storybook, the Roman ruins were magnificent, and the men, well, European men are by far the most romantic in the world.

You American men all think you're so suave and sophisticated. Well, think again! European men make you look like the immature, inexperienced little children you are. They really know how to make a woman feel special over there. Unlike the so-called men here in the States, European men know how to treat a woman right.

For one thing, European men aren't afraid to come up and talk to you. And they know how to start slow, with a nice cup of Italian espresso or a long walk in the historic district. They know the places you can't find in any tourist guide. They know the whole history of the cities in which they live--who the fountains are named after, who the statues are. I remember one unforgettable night in Athens, I sat and listened to a Greek sailor for hours as he told me about the countless men who fought over Helen back in ancient times.

Afterward, he told me he loved his homeland even more now that he'd seen it through my eyes. I ask you, would an American man ever say something as deep and beautiful as that? European men know the most romantic little cafes and bistros and trattorias, candlelit places where you can be alone and drink the most fantastic wine. They tell you what's on the menu and what you should try. (If it wasn't for a certain young man in Milan, I never would have discovered fusilli a spinaci et scampi.) And the whole time, they're looking deep into your eyes, like you're the only woman on the entire planet. What woman could resist a man like that? Then, after a moonlit stroll along the waterfront and a kiss in the doorway of their artist's loft, you find yourself unable to--well, I'll leave the rest to your imagination. I'll never forget my magical semester abroad. One thing's for sure - I'm ruined for American men forever!




American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy
By Giovanni Di Salvi


I'm a 25-year-old carpenter living in Rome, and I don't mind telling you that I get all the action I can handle. I'm not all that handsome or well-dressed, and I'm certainly not rich. In fact, my Italian countrywomen could take me or leave me. But that's just fine, because Rome gets loads of tourist traffic, and American co-eds traveling through Europe are without a doubt the easiest lays in the world. Being European gives me a hell of an advantage. I'm not sure why, but there's something about the accent that opens a lot of doors. All you have to do is go up to them, act a little shy and say, "Would you like to go with me, Signorina, for a cafe?" I actually have to thicken up my accent a little, but they never catch on.

After a cheap coffee, which to them always tastes better than anything they've ever had, because they're in Europe, it's time to walk them. Now, all they know about Rome is what they've read in university texts, so you can pretty much just make up a whole bunch of shit. It's fun to see how much they'll swallow: As long as I refer to Italy as "my homeland" and other Italians as "my people," they'll believe pretty much anything. I don't know who most of the local statues are, so I tell the muffins they're all great artists and poets and lovers. Once, just for the hell of it, I told a psychology major from Duke that a public staircase was part of the Spanish Steps, which she'd never even heard of. Another time, I told this blonde from Michigan State that the public library was the Parthenon, and she cooed like I'd just given her a diamond.

For dinner, I usually take them to some cheap little hole in the wall, someplace deserted where not even the cops eat. American girls think candlelight means "romance," not "deteriorating public utilities," so they just poke their nipples through their J. Crew sweaters and fail to notice there's no electricity. Just as well, because Roman restaurants aren't exactly the cleanest.

After a bunch of fast-talk about the menu, I get them the special, which is usually some anonymous pasta with spinach and day-old shrimp, and whatever cheap, generic, Pope's-blood chianti's at the bottom of the list. By this time, they're usually standing in a slippery little puddle. Going in for the kill, I walk them past one of Rome's famous 2,000-year-old open cesspools. Then, as we open the door to my shitty efficiency, I kiss them on the eyelids so they don't see the roaches, making sure the first thing they see is the strategically positioned artist's easel I bought at some church sale. That's usually all they need to see and, like clockwork, they fall backwards on my bed with their Birkenstocks in the air.

I mean, they're hardly Italian women, but we have a saying in Europe: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"



10. Annual breast exam conducted at your Doctors home.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M"'s on them.

And Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...

1. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape

The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos.

"I have a full and busy life, Senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, Senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions."

"Millions, Senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

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Some of these jokes can be classed as offensive. If they offend I apologise. Some may actually be copyrighted. If so please let me know and I shall either give credit where it's due or remove the entry.

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