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Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

"Hi ... Now you say something."

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep." "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

(From my Japanese friend in Toronto): He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave a *sexy* message, I call sooner!

"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.'

"This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thankyou.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

A guy wakes up in his hospital room.

Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Well... The bad news first ...

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.


Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)













The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling.













So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen either.


The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were dishevelled and he looked needy.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked.

"I want Natasha," the old man replied.

"Sir, Natasha is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."

"No, I must see Natasha."

Just then Natasha appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 for each visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. She took his hand and they went up to her room for an hour and then the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again, demanding Natasha. Natasha explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts ... it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natasha the money and they went up to the room.

At the end of the hour, Natasha questioned the old man. "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"

The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."

"Really?" replied Natasha, "I have a sister who lives there."

"Yes, I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Marriage.

Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.

Q: Why is a hurricane like a women?
A: It starts with a great blow, but when it's over your house and car are gone.

Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q. What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q. Why do men want to marry virgins?
A. They can't stand criticism.

Q. What is a man's view of safe sex?
A. A padded headboard.

Q. How do men sort their laundry?
A. Filthy and Filthy but Wearable.

Q. Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. "Are you done?" or "Are you in?"

Bumper Sticker:
If you women knew what men were thinking, you'd never stop slapping us.


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Some of these jokes can be classed as offensive. If they offend I apologise. Some may actually be copyrighted. If so please let me know and I shall either give credit where it's due or remove the entry.

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