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 Pages: 1 2 3 4 5  First joke page   Previous joke page   Next joke page   Last joke page

Two prisoners were having a chat.

The first one said. "I've got two tickets for the warden's ball. Do you want to buy one?"

"No thanks" said the second guy. "I can't dance."

"It's not a dance" said the first prisoner. "It's a raffle."

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."




Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"





Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"




I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.




Customer in computer shop: "Can you copy the Internet onto this disk for me?"




I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"




Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."




Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to-"
Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons."
Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
Customer: [click]




Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash-it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"




Got a call from a woman said that her laser printer was having problems: the bottom half of her printed sheets were coming out blurry. It seemed strange that the printer was smearing only the bottom half. I walked her through the basics, then went over and printed out a test sheet. It printed fine. I asked her to print a sheet, so she sent a job to the printer.

As the paper started coming out, she yanked it out and showed it to me. I told her to wait until the paper came out on its own.

Problem solved.




I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"




A man attempting to set up his new printer called the printer's tech support number, complaining about the error message: "Can't find the printer." On the phone, the man said he even held the printer up in front of the screen, but the computer still couldn't find it.




And another user was all confused about why the cursor always moved in the opposite direction from the movement of the mouse. She also complained that the buttons were difficult to depress. She was very embarrassed when we asked her to rotate the mouse so the tail pointed away from her.




Customer: "Hello? I'm trying to dial in. I installed the software okay, and it dialed fine. I could hear that. Then I could hear the two computers connecting. But then the sound all stopped, so I picked up the phone to see if they were still connected, and I got the message, 'No carrier,' on my screen. What's wrong?"




An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"




For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone,and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the tutor over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.

The tutor tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I typed, "Leave me alone!" They both jumped back as this appeared on their screen. "What the..." the tutor said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" Etc.

Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer, and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.




This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his username and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."




Email from a friend: "CanYouFixTheSpaceBarOnMyKeyboard?"




My friend was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen. After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"



Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
   Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
   George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
   Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
   Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
   Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
   Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
   Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
   Elayne Boosler

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
   John Mendoza

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
   Jeff Stilson

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
   Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
   Jerry Seinfeld

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say cause it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
   Ellen DeGeneres

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
   Jake Johansen

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
   Lily Tomlin

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to the vet:

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma, she come firsta. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again anda pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, calma down lady," said the man. "Ima justa telling my friend how to spella Mississippi."

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

 Pages: 1 2 3 4 5  First joke page   Previous joke page   Next joke page   Last joke page

Some of these jokes can be classed as offensive. If they offend I apologise. Some may actually be copyrighted. If so please let me know and I shall either give credit where it's due or remove the entry.

Design copyright , 2002
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