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1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

Queues for the bathroom are 80% shorter.

You can open all your own jars.

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at every shot of someone crying.

All your orgasms are real.

A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

You never have to clean a toilet.

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.

Sex means never worrying about your reputation.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

If someone forgets to invite you to something , he or she can still be your friend.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.

If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.

You can write your name in the snow.

Chocolate is just another snack.

Flowers fix everything.

You never have to worry about other people's feelings.

You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.

You can eat a banana in a hardware store.

Foreplay is optional.

Michael Bolton does not exist in your universe.

You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's arse if anyone notices your new haircut.

You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking he's mad at you.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

One mood, all the time.

Same work, More pay!

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

With 400 Million sperm per shot, you can double the earth's population in 15 tries. (In theory).

The remote control is yours and yours alone.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.

You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.

If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

Someday you'll be a dirty old man.

You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it."

You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.

Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.

Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "so ... notice anything different?"


Keep an eye on the coat sleeve!

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, you drink, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish off as an orgasm.

Guy: "Would you like to dance?"

Girl: "I wouldn't dance with you."

Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in that skirt"

A woman gets home, runs into her house, slams the door and shouts, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery."

The husband says, "Wow! That's great! what am I packing for, mountains? ocean trip?

She said, "I don't care. Just get the fuck out."

Bhi dha fear IRA ag siul sios an bothar i mBeal Feirste agus chonaic siad fear amhain ina seasamh in aice an balla.

Duirt fear amhain ar an fear eile ... "An ceapann tu go bhfuil an fear seo in san UVF ?"
Arsa an fear eile ... "Ni ceapaim."

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

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Some of these jokes can be classed as offensive. If they offend I apologise. Some may actually be copyrighted. If so please let me know and I shall either give credit where it's due or remove the entry.

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